May Celebration! Time to reflect.

Wow! What a shift in perception and thought. I am amazed as I sat down to reflect on how far I have come in the past 45 days. First and foremost, I fall asleep at night now to the affirmation of I love you Robynn Lynn Walker Kirkham. It is truly amazing to be able to say this without any judgement or negitivity. I have worked so hard to understand what my contracts are and how they manifest themselves in my life. The biggest thing that I have had to overcome, and still am, is my self esteem. Having the victim in my first house, a mentor in my second, the JUDGE in my third, and my prositute in my fourth, I get a wammie in the fact that I need to love myself and look within. I repeat the mantra "I let my feeling heart feed my thinking mind". I do this when I find myself engrossed in my head. My victim is learning to accept accountability for only me and letting everything else and everyone elses garbage go. I am looking for lessons from experiences instead of looking at failures or problems. I am being AWARE! It is amazing the energy shift that you go through when you ask yourself "What am I feeling and why?"

I am setting an intent for the day and sticking to it. You know its funny, but I set my intent and ask for guidence when I am in the car on my way to work. I find it is the only time in the morning where I don't have any kids, spouse, or hurry associated with my morning. I turn off the radio, sit in silence and talk openly outloud to god. When I get out of the car, I step into my day and intent. I would love to shift my morning to one like Deonne's. The hot tub and meditation would be awesome. I am getting there with incredibly small baby steps.

I am also journaling every night. I have done this faithfully for the past two years, but as I look back over my journaling, I have noticed that my journalling has changed. Instead of writing about what happened that day, I write about the lessons I am learning or experiences that I am having. I also write funny things the kids do, but its mostly a record of my spiritual change.

I am open, I am learning, I am living in the compassion and love of my judge. I am quieting the inner racket in my head and feeling the love and light in my heart. I am communicating my feelings and thoughts with a spouse who is learning to accept the real me without judgement. I am in a place where I am seeking my highest potiential and looking forward to assisting anyone I can. I am providing service and support. I am finding the real Robynn.

I am also finishing up my Reiki Master. This is way cool too. I have been working on it for over a year and feel that I am finally ready

That is the good parts of this past couple weeks. The not so good part is that I am tired. Some days more than others. I get overwhelmed when I think of all that I choose to do and all that I want to do. Sometimes they just don't match up. Ok most of the time they don't. I am having trouble sleeping at night because I have a hard time quieting my mind. I am learning to work through this with some of your awesome suggestions.

Namaste, I love you all!

So our homework was amazingly reflective and each day as I checked into my first 4 houses and asked what lesson I was learning it was very calming to stand back and observe what was happening without judgment. I will be honest, I was not always the observer and many times was very caught up in my own drama but when I was present enough to step back and observe, the calmness settled upon me. I’m not sure if we were supposed to share this experience and I don’t really like to be this vulnerable but I trust that handing it over to you will release it from me and renew my ZEAL for life!
I observed myself looking backwards in my first house of ego and personality. I could tell that my ego wanted to keep me stuck in my past. I felt a longing for the comfort of what I knew, even if it was destructive and toxic I longed to have it back. It was much scarier to face the unknown future. My saboteur was in shadow high gear as self destruct seemed to be the name of the game for a couple days. I gave my power away several times. Then, slowly and firmly, I picked up my “tools” and set my intention for turning around and facing forward. Coming to terms with the changes that this would bring into my life is exciting and scary as hell. I think it’s scary because it is unknown. I have learned how to disappoint others and be true to myself, this is not easy for me but it does bring a sense of empowerment to me. I caught myself telling “my story” a few times and laying the blame on my ‘beloved enemy’. That blame felt icky and I knew that I was not being conscious or aware of my light, I made the needed changes and switched over into the light. My second house was the biggest lesson I was to learn the past few weeks. I have rescuer in that house. My children told me that their dad had told them that the reason he was losing the house was because mommy wouldn’t sign papers so that they could keep living there. I exploded in anger at first but kept my mouth shut. I could feel the anger their dad was throwing my way and I accepted the gift. WHY?? Saboteur maybe? Anyway, at one point he broke down and cried and cried. I knew that one phone call from me to the bank would rescue him from his situation, I sat with that for a week. It took everything in me not to make that phone call. I stayed in the light on this one though. I knew that if I rescued him I was just keeping him needy and that would be the shadow side. I also did not allow him to seek refuge with me when he fell apart, this ripped my heart out as I do love him dearly but I know it is time for him to walk on his own, I have kept him needy too long by being in the shadow side of this archetype. I was not mean, I was simply not available to him. Believe me, my saboteur played havoc with me though….every other day I was light and shadow, self destruct to self empowered in any given moment! My third house, magical child also played a big part as I faced the fantasy I didn’t want to admit was real. The fantasy that I wanted to believe that he would change and everything would end up happily ever after for us. I faced this fantasy…..I blessed it………… and I let it go. Then the depression kicked in. So, I started in the light really good but crossed over into the shadow. I felt sorry for myself on Mother’s day because all I wanted was for him to tell me I was a good mother, I wanted a gift from my children that I didn’t have to buy. I felt sorry for myself that my ex was losing the home that we had designed and built ourselves. I felt sorry for myself that my children had to live through this ugliness. I really felt the dark night of the soul take a hold of me and then I found the most amazing affirmation and the light seeped back into my soul. “I surrender to the alchemy of the dark knight of the soul. I give consent to its transformational touch and am patient in the midst of my discomfort. I am open, receptive and resist not. Even now I sense the soul-activity taking place within me and I am grateful for it.” As I turned within to my soul and found the light, I looked at the fourth house on my wheel, Angel. I pulled out my angel cards and held them to my heart for a long time asking that the correct card be given to me. I chose the angel Daniel, it said “I am the Angel of Marriage, and I am assisting you right now.” My physical body collapsed on my bed and I handed it ALL to him, my entire marriage and the relationship now that I was having with my marriage, he took it, I surrendered.
WOW! That’s a whole lot of lessons I’ve been having and what a wonderful use of my tools. I’m not perfect at using them but I am remembering that I have them. As I looked over my journal the last couple weeks I saw an entry that I really think helped me. I asked myself, “If this dark knight of the soul never goes away, what quality would I have to cultivate to find peace?” my answers were:
- Conscious awareness and control of my ego and the monkey chatter
- Affirmative feeling that everything works together for my highest good
- Trust the process; observe the process
- As I clear the old clutter and let it go, I allow new abundance and prosperity to fill my heart and soul
- Gratitude for what is now
- 100% accountability and responsibility for my life
- Acceptance of what others are willing to give
- Let go of judgments of what is fair and unfair
- Commitment to a higher spiritual path, releasing mediocrity
“What am I being guided to release from my habitual pattern of being – my surface personality – so that I may evolve to my next level of awareness?”
- attachment to things
- attachment to the past
I am calling forth: forgiveness, compassion, nonattachment, trust, perseverance and loving kindness for myself. The best answer to the dark night I am experiencing is “How may I serve?”
I am Sheri Joi, I am a genuine, trustworthy, self-confident, peaceful woman that lives in light and love!
-Namaste